I Thought I Was Over It (But My Heart Was Still in Armor)

When I ended my last relationship, I thought I was over it. In the time since, I completed an Executive MBA, started a new career as a Leadership Development professional, and even left my home to train as a coach in Singapore. Many years had passed. And while the pain of the breakup was long gone, the impact of that relationship was still strong within me—even without me knowing it.

I held remnants of all the anger, sadness, bitterness, and regret I had felt from staying too long in a relationship that didn't make me feel loved enough or good about myself. When I arrived in Singapore for my coach training, I was still carrying the baggage of a broken heart—fearful of entering new relationships and determined to stay in my power. Only, my definition of empowered was coming from the scared, hurt little girl I once was, my child self, who is still living within me today.

As I began to dig deeper into my fears and limiting beliefs, and began to examine my relationships with love and with men in particular, I started to see that I was armored up to the gills to protect myself from ever being hurt again. I simply did not want to have my heart broken and had taken all imaginable pains to build the highest, thickest wall I possibly could to stay safe. I was attempting to protect myself by blocking out both the hurt AND the love.

My heart was covered in armor. But I hadn't known it. And I hadn't known how to get rid of it. This was the beginning of a new kind of healing journey—one where I could recognize the pain I suffered, connect with the fragile little girl within, and commit myself to allowing my feelings to come back in. Feelings of sadness, hurt, and pain, yes, but also feelings of joy, love, and gratefulness. I couldn't simply isolate some emotions to protect myself without isolating all emotions equally, in turn.

Once I realized how I had been holding myself back, I knew it was time to start breaking down even more walls—allowing more of my true self to come back. It was at this time when I first met my Reiki teacher, Emma McKendrick, who opened my eyes to the remarkable world of energy healing, and to whom I will forever be grateful. It was on this journey of awakening that I could finally start to see the pieces of myself that had been missing for so long, and start my search for the right guides and healers who could help me find the path back to my authentic self again.

When you first begin asking yourself what healing actually means—or what that would look like in your life—it can feel really overwhelming to start that journey. I know this intimately because it's exactly what I experienced. There's so much information available and so many different sources that it's difficult to know who is credible, what actually works, or what might help you specifically where you are right now. Even when I found someone I trusted deeply, I still felt overwhelmed by all the options out there. I didn't even know I was on a "healing journey"—I just knew I was curious to keep learning, growing, and facing my own shadow.

What I wish someone had told me at the beginning is that there is no one-size-fits-all healing journey. Everyone's life is different. Everyone's experiences are different. The things we each need to support ourselves to live more fully are going to be unique to us. Something that works beautifully for your friend or colleague might not be the right solution for you—and that's completely okay. You have permission to experiment and try different things to find what works best for you.

But here's the most important thing to understand: if you approach healing as a one-stop shop or expect to see dramatic results in a week, you'll be disappointed. This isn't something that happens in a day, a week, or sometimes even a year. Healing, as I define it, is a process of coming back home to yourself. As you return home to who you truly are, you learn all the different nuances about yourself and what makes up the fabric of your life.

I view healing as part of our personal growth journey—we don't ever really complete it. We just enter new phases and find different guides or practitioners who can support us along the way. There's very rarely an endpoint we're trying to reach. This understanding has been so freeing for me, and I hope it can be for you too.

My own journey has been beautifully diverse. I've received healing from reiki healers, psychics, mediums, theta healing practitioners, hypnotherapists, rapid transformation therapists, breathwork facilitators, divine feminine womb guides, coaches, quantum healers, tarot readers, and astrologers. I love experimenting and learning as I go—it's been such a joy to experience so many different variations of healing.

If you're feeling curious but don't know where to start, I always recommend listening to a few episodes of "Don't Step on the Bluebells" where I explore different types of alternative healing and energy medicine with incredible practitioners. I personally recommend every guest because they're high-caliber healers with extensive experience. If any one of them speaks to you, that would be a beautiful place to begin.

Remember, there is no singular best approach—only the approach that works best for you at this moment in time. My biggest wish for you is to remain open to what's possible, to ask for help when you need it, and to know you are absolutely not alone. Not on this journey or any other. Being patient, loving, and compassionate with yourself will get you much further than any other tactic or tool you might employ.

There are so many of us who walk alongside you, and I'm honored to be one of them.

With love,

Amanda