How I am Finding Focus When my Attention is Fractured

It sounds so simple – cut out distractions and begin to focus. But the truth is, it is anything BUT simple. I’ve found myself – an avid reader, a writer, a person who deeply loves going deep into work, to be unable to sit still for more than short blocks of time, feeling easily restless, and unconsciously picking up my phone anytime I feel like I can’t do whatever it is I want or need to do. I couldn’t read anymore, I could barely write, and forget about concentrated time spent on one singular task.

My phone, I told myself, is just a short pick-me-up – an in-between-the-things device. Something I used as I transitioned my attention from one task or activity to another. And as so often happened, those few minutes of distraction spent on Instagram or LinkedIn or Facebook – the seemingly innocent “transition period” between tasks, quickly became the entire afternoon’s activity. Or I’d be so exhausted from the constant context switch that I’d forget what I had hoped to work on to begin with and need to rest my mind for a bit.

I no longer had to focus deeply because anytime I needed a distraction, I had the perfect device at the ready – more than happy to serve me in my moments of uncertainty or unsureness of what to do next.

Every time I felt unsure, I picked up my phone. Every time I wasn’t quite certain how to tackle a big project, I picked up my phone. Every time I had to sit down to do my bookkeeping or invoicing, I picked up my phone.

It became more than a distraction, it became The Ultimate Distractor. I couldn’t go more than 30 minutes without checking, quickly, anything I could to take my mind off whatever it was I was meant to be doing.

I knew it was a problem, and so I began to set limitations on my phone, not allowing me to use certain apps more than a specified amount of time each day. And when that wasn’t enough, I actually blocked the apps during certain hours of the day. The pull, still, was too strong, and I had to turn off all notifications and put my phone on airplane mode to resist the temptation.

My phone, it seemed, had taken ownership of my life - my free will. And not just my phone, but the wildly enticing, mind-numbing, soul-sucking apps that live on it. The battle between Apple, Facebook, and Google is a false narrative, for one could not possibly be so successful without the others. Where’s the addiction of a device without Instagram?

My husband, on the other hand, faced his own battle with online news and other tech sites that pulled constantly at his attention. We both had experienced the glorious feeling of Flow in so many moments of our lives, that we were acutely aware of having been robbed of that sensation when the power of our phones became too great.

Last summer while on holiday, we met a man who was not only a medical doctor, but also recently diagnosed with Adult ADHD. He spoke about his diagnosis as though he could finally understand himself. We talked with him at length, asking how he came to his diagnosis and what were some of the behaviors or traits that he had which someone who does not have ADHD might not.

He shared a list of traits and behaviors that made up his core personality and I sat there in knowing silence as I, too, could check off each of the symptoms he listed. I began to question, in earnest, if I might have ADHD, too. I started reading books by Russell Barkley and listening to podcasts, such as the I Have ADHD Podcast – to listen in to stories, tips, advice, and other insights about the “disorder”. I saw myself in every episode, in every interview, and with every big challenge people faced.

I began to feel a strong sense of relief. A sense that some things were starting to make more sense to me about my own behavior, my inability to focus or to tune out the world around me and started to lean into a non-diagnosed diagnosis.

I had no intention of seeing if I could be diagnosed or taking this new awareness further down a medical route – but with this knowledge about how precious my concentration is, and how magical its power when I can block out the surrounding noise and focus in on whatever it is I am working on – I made the choice to do what I could to find more focus in my life.

And so, I got clear on where I wanted to spend my time and what my biggest detractors were. I understood that I had often put myself into 25 different competing “priorities” at the same time and found it impossible to be successful or particularly good at any one of them. So I started to map out where I was multi-tasking, and what the underlying goals of each activity were so that I could start to trim the edges of my life.

I got clear about my goals for the coming years, at least a first insight into what I hoped to achieve in my life in that time and made the conscious decision to not take on anything else that was outside of those goals. For me, that meant no more searching for courses endlessly, no more investigating mentors or coaches who could guide me in different directions, no more consuming endless streams of information – no matter how valuable (or useless) it may have been. I turned all notifications off my phone for good (with the exception of a few emergency contacts), I deleted my personal account on Instagram and deleted all social media apps from my phone, I unfollowed the influencers and business gurus that I truly adored but whose voice was continuously in my head prompting me to think / learn / do more.

And then I began to weed out the noise in my business – erasing any superfluous activities that did not contribute to my happiness or financial well-being, deleting subscriptions that weren’t really serving me, saying no to projects that did not align with my new focus, and focusing my attention on two singular offerings rather than trying to dissipate my energy and attention over many different activities.

I also began to move my body again, something I had not been doing when caught in the addiction cycle of my phone and social media. I signed up for ClassPass and started spinning and yoga once again – allowing myself to feel more present and stronger in my body. For too long my mind had been winning the battle.

When I look back to my desperation last year, recognizing the peak of it in June or July – It is hard to recognize myself in that narrative. While I have not by any means created a perfect system, today I feel more focused, calm, and in flow. I can sit for hours at a time working towards goals that are important to me, without the constant distraction of social media or tech pulling me away.

While I still don’t know if I have ADHD or not, I have been able to regain some control over where my attention goes. Today I can trust myself that if I set a deadline, I can meet it. Or if I have a daunting task ahead of me, I can break it down into smaller steps, so I know when I need to do what. I trust that my energy and attention are with me – and not fractured as they were before.

This is a continuous journey that I am on. It began about 6 months ago – when the pain of a negative loop that was built up over years finally started to crush me under its weight. I knew that I could not continue as I was. I knew something had to give. But the journey to greater understanding took months more, and still does, to recognize all the areas that I leak my attention and energy in my life

And while it would be too easy to tell you that I figured out the challenge and rose to meet it and, “Voila! Look at how much my life has changed!” that would only be the smallest fraction of the process – which involved further training with my reiki teacher, working with my spiritual mentor, engaging holistic healers, practicing breathwork and kundalini yoga, learning from plant medicine, and being coached by incredibly talented coaches and mentors.

There are so many more facets to this process than meets the eye. We aren’t meant to carry the burden of understanding and awareness on our own – we are meant to find the support system that we need to make the changes we need in our life so that we can fully step into the person we are becoming.

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