When Your Boundaries Are Weak and How to Set Them Better
When Your Boundaries Are Weak and How to Set Them Better
When you don’t know your own boundaries, everything can feel like a threat. If you aren’t sure where your yes or no lies, or fear being taken advantage of by others - you likely have a weak understanding of your own boundaries.
I was working with a client recently who had an open calendar so people could book in meeting times with her. Any point of her day could be interrupted by someone else scheduling in a meeting. Now, she was already very busy and in my book, also very important. Her time and energy are precious. So why would she allow the external world to dictate how she spent her time?
She was running herself ragged, hungry for more balance in her life, and yet didn’t realize where it was she was giving that energy away to begin with.
I shared with her one of my first tricks to boundary setting - decide on your own when you want to do what. Block your own calendar - when you work, when you exercise, when you want to take calls, when you want to support colleagues, choose your start time, choose your end time, and pick the days you don’t want to speak to another soul so you can do deep, focused work on your own.
She was floored. She had always heard about “boundaries” but it was more of a vague, unreachable concept that she didn’t know what to do with. Setting time limits and making choices on how you spend your time is the very first step to creating boundaries that work for you!
Years ago I was in a job where I was burning out. I worked all hours of the day, night, and weekend. Even when I wasn’t working I was stressed out, haggard, and overwhelmed. I spent a lot of time talking about how hard it was and that I couldn’t take it much longer. I’m all honesty, I had very likely already crossed the boundary into burned out.
My boss expected a lot from me and made it clear when I was underperforming in her book. She, who began her workday at 5 AM (and owned the company) would start firing off emails at dawn and wouldn’t stop until nightfall. By the time I woke up each morning I already felt behind.
I didn’t know what boundaries were. I was exhausted and running myself ragged to please someone who could never be pleased. So one day I decided to sign up for a spin studio, the wonderful Ride Berlin, a small act which ended up changing my life. Suddenly, I had somewhere to be at 7PM three times a week. If I missed a class I had to pay for it - I actually lost money. And so, I kept putting spin classes on my calendar, week after week and never missed a class. I needed to leave the office by 6 to get there on time. And without fully realizing the implication at the time, I set a hard boundary on my time, and I gained control over my evenings.
Slowly but surely I started regaining my autonomy - setting my own calendar and days, and finding the patterns and habits that worked best for me to feel my best. As a business owner myself these shifts are crucial to run a business you love, to spend your time wisely and on things that give you energy, and to not burn out. If I burn out, my business goes under.
If you find yourself struggling with setting boundaries and feeling like you’re running in a loop day after day - chasing the impossible, try these steps to begin your journey towards healthier boundaries that serve you (and everyone around you!)
- Decide when your day officially begins
- Decide when your day officially ends
- Put a blocker in your calendar for the routines or habits you care most about (exercise, writing, meditation, morning walk, breakfast with the kids, etc.)
- Clearly mark the times you will accept meetings and the times you will not Block out time that you need for deep, concentrated work
- Create at least one meeting free day a week! (Your team will love this one as well!)
- Commit to honor these boundaries even when it feels hard to do
Even if it feels like a challenge, as I know it often does for me, know that with greater self-awareness and clarity you can set healthier boundaries that better support your life! And as a beginner's tip, even if it feels scary, don't be afraid to swing a little too far in the hard-line direction - it will take some time for you to figure out what feels right and what feels like "too much". So try it out, make mistakes, and try again.
Wishing you lots of luck in finding what works for you!
Amanda
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